The Chronicles of The Wandering Eyes

      I try so hard to keep myself anchored to the ground; I walk around on the cold tile floor of my kitchen barefoot, I take deep breaths and feel my lungs fill with air, I even force myself to sit in my room and stare at the white wall ahead of me. But it only takes a singular moment where my brain fogs up, my eyes steer out of focus, and then I'm completely gone.

 October 8, 2023 I like a boy. There are so many things so wrong and so right about the statement above. This statement means that I have put my heart on display for everyone to see. It means I have accepted my role of vulnerability as someone that has affection for another person. It scares me. I am now susceptible to all the pain that awaits in the action of rejection.  My fate is held at the one that has the mold of my heart. Yet, the moment he breaks it I  yield the power to take it back. It’s the only thing I can control, my emotions.  I have the ability to emotionally detach whenever it’s deemed necessary and I choose the option to do so. Is it a bad trait? Is it something that is inhumane? Is having that ability really such an abnormal thing to possess? Should I just let myself free fall into this emotion that could potentially blossom into something more dangerous than I’m used to? I never usually let it get this far. For it’s been so long since I’ve even fou...

 I feel as though I am on pause right now. Nothing but pure boredom washes over me as I anticipate the change that is yet to come. I feel as though I have no one to spend my time with. Everyone seems busy doing other things while I have nothing but myself to keep me company. What should I do? That is a question that has crossed my mind a lot lately. For I don’t know what to do. I think of so many things to do, but I have no motivation to do them. So what should I do ? Nothing maybe. Maybe I should lay in bed and not do a single thing. Maybe I should just let my thoughts consume me. I try to convince myself to write, but there is no motivation strong enough to pull me to do so. Maybe I should just sleep some more. But sleep is all that consumes me. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I don’t know what to do anymore. Even sleep isn’t enough. Maybe I should just fill my hours with meditation, what else could I do. Nothing else, nothing more. I don’t know any more.