Update: I liked a boy. Not anymore

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 October 8, 2023


I like a boy.

There are so many things so wrong and so right about the statement above. This statement means that I have put my heart on display for everyone to see. It means I have accepted my role of vulnerability as someone that has affection for another person. It scares me.

I am now susceptible to all the pain that awaits in the action of rejection.  My fate is held at the one that has the mold of my heart. Yet, the moment he breaks it I  yield the power to take it back. It’s the only thing I can control, my emotions.  I have the ability to emotionally detach whenever it’s deemed necessary and I choose the option to do so.

Is it a bad trait?

Is it something that is inhumane?

Is having that ability really such an abnormal thing to possess?

Should I just let myself free fall into this emotion that could potentially blossom into something more dangerous than I’m used to?

I never usually let it get this far. For it’s been so long since I’ve even found someone worthy of my attention. But, I believe I have and I hope I’m correct.

The possibility of getting hurt just looms over me so dauntingly that I find myself wanting to pull away. Wanting to overthink and overanalyze every small action I do. It marks two weeks, but I’m even questioning the time because isn’t this all too fast? 

We’re still getting to know each other, but this feeling is so foreign that I want to carve it out of my brain. I want to take whatever neurons are causing this emotion and shut them off like a switch in an empty room. 

But I want to experience this emotion called love. My heart yearns for it, for it is something I have never even felt in the slightest for a romantic partner.

Should I let my heart or my brain win?

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