sometimes I'm too hard on myself

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I've realized lately that I'm very hard on myself.

I constantly feel as though I'm never doing enough,

so I beat myself up for it.

I sleep for two to four hours a day and call it normal.

I constantly make myself do some type of work,

never giving space for a creative bone in my body.

All for the sake of productivity and feeling worthy.

But yesterday as I was sitting at my work study,

After I picked up an extra shift to make up the time I took off,

this time I took off was to work on a sophomore thesis,

yet I punished myself for it and acted like it was some break.

When in reality it was a different form of work that pushed me beyond my limits.

But, I still sat there.

I picked up an extra shift.

So, on top of waking up at five in the morning,

I was closing at 11:30pm that night.

Like it was the most normal thing ever.

Like it was normal to be a full-time student,

working two jobs

having important roles in two organizations,

and running on an hour of sleep.

I'm only really destroying myself in this process,

but I feel as though I can't stop,

it's like I have to do all these things.

But, maybe that's a sign that I need to stop.


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