The Chronicles of The Wandering Eyes

I've realized lately that I'm very hard on myself. I constantly feel as though I'm never doing enough, so I beat myself up for it. I sleep for two to four hours a day and call it normal. I constantly make myself do some type of work, never giving space for a creative bone in my body. All for the sake of productivity and feeling worthy. But yesterday as I was sitting at my work study, After I picked up an extra shift to make up the time I took off, this time I took off was to work on a sophomore thesis, yet I punished myself for it and acted like it was some break. When in reality it was a different form of work that pushed me beyond my limits. But, I still sat there. I picked up an extra shift. So, on top of waking up at five in the morning, I was closing at 11:30pm that night. Like it was the most normal thing ever. Like it was normal to be a full-time student, working two jobs having important roles in two organizations, and running on an hour of sleep. I'm only reall...

      The other post that says it's from today actually wasn't. It was a draft from last year December that I forgot to post. At the time I didn't think it was worth posting, but looking back I think everything is worth posting. So, I'm going to keep this online diary where I publish small things. Nothing too personal that reveals too much, but nothing too broad that no one can relate. But then again, it's not like anyone will read this.     Anyways,     Today I cleaned and rearranged my room. Lately it's been nothing but a cluttered mess. Random empty water bottles littered across the floor, jackets from times I rushed outside piling on my chair, and makeup cluttering my once organized desk. So, today I changed all of that. I changed my bed sheets and cleared the floor. Then, I took a trash bag and filled it to the brim with miscellaneous items I no longer needed. I organized my desk and night stand until they looked like themselves again. I even repo...

 It's been a while. After constantly being doused with water, time and time again, I finally woke up from my slumber. My vision is now clear and my feet touch the ground, I've been through a lot since the last time we spoke. Yet, not enough. I liked another boy, but this time I poured my whole heart into him. But just as sudden as those feelings came, they quickly left in a similar manner. And I soon found myself at the door of a grand mansion I now wander its halls with my head held high, Unsure of what is going to come next, yet I still walk by. I walk with the desire of shedding my old skin, For becoming the new me is all I intend.

      I try so hard to keep myself anchored to the ground; I walk around on the cold tile floor of my kitchen barefoot, I take deep breaths and feel my lungs fill with air, I even force myself to sit in my room and stare at the white wall ahead of me. But it only takes a singular moment where my brain fogs up, my eyes steer out of focus, and then I'm completely gone.

 October 8, 2023 I like a boy. There are so many things so wrong and so right about the statement above. This statement means that I have put my heart on display for everyone to see. It means I have accepted my role of vulnerability as someone that has affection for another person. It scares me. I am now susceptible to all the pain that awaits in the action of rejection.  My fate is held at the one that has the mold of my heart. Yet, the moment he breaks it I  yield the power to take it back. It’s the only thing I can control, my emotions.  I have the ability to emotionally detach whenever it’s deemed necessary and I choose the option to do so. Is it a bad trait? Is it something that is inhumane? Is having that ability really such an abnormal thing to possess? Should I just let myself free fall into this emotion that could potentially blossom into something more dangerous than I’m used to? I never usually let it get this far. For it’s been so long since I’ve even fou...

 I feel as though I am on pause right now. Nothing but pure boredom washes over me as I anticipate the change that is yet to come. I feel as though I have no one to spend my time with. Everyone seems busy doing other things while I have nothing but myself to keep me company. What should I do? That is a question that has crossed my mind a lot lately. For I don’t know what to do. I think of so many things to do, but I have no motivation to do them. So what should I do ? Nothing maybe. Maybe I should lay in bed and not do a single thing. Maybe I should just let my thoughts consume me. I try to convince myself to write, but there is no motivation strong enough to pull me to do so. Maybe I should just sleep some more. But sleep is all that consumes me. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I don’t know what to do anymore. Even sleep isn’t enough. Maybe I should just fill my hours with meditation, what else could I do. Nothing else, nothing more. I don’t know any more.